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Journals, machinery of the mind, meditation

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Jul. 5th, 2006 | 01:07 pm
mood: bouncybouncy
music: Tool live in Austria (g'day mate)

Yesterday I was told by a friend that my journal is "interesting". Hmm. My natural reaction (coming from the machinery in my mind) is to try to explain why it actually isn't all that interesting. It's a reaction I've had for a long time. It comes out whenever someone says that I've done something good or worthwhile.

I used to think that it was true - that when I thought "It's not really interesting", then that meant that it really wasn't interesting. But I'm not so arrogant now. I know how unreliable my automatic reactions are, and I know that they don't deserve to be listened to. Of course, that statement about my reactions being unreliable is itself also unreliable. But it's good bullshit, as opposed to putting myself down, which is bad bullshit.

I like to look at it on an axis of empowerment rather than truth or falsehood. eg.

"My journal is really not interesting, my friend must be mistaken" - Truth rating: 0 Empowerment rating: 0
"My friend said my journal is interesting, I appreciate the compliment" - Truth rating: 0 Empowerment rating: 10

Neither is more true than the other. Both are pretty much a matter of faith. But one will make my happy and one won't. Obvious choice isn't it?


That was actually a digression. I was going to write about meditation. While in penang on holiday, I was reading through a very interesting booklet on meditation, belonging to Lesley's dad. He pretended not to be interested in it, but I assume he bought it out of curiosity.

The booklet talked about various techniques, and I tried a few out. I tried a meditation focused entirely on Gisele, who was rolling around on the floor in front of me. It turned out to be very effective, and by that I mean I was able to use Gisele as a focus of meditation. I was able to see every movement of her body, and take in a lot more information than I usually do when I look at her. I felt like that is something I should do more often, to understand her better.

And today I was talking to a friend about a technique called Dynamic Meditation ( http://www.osho.com ). Our conversation started about soccer hooligans, and moved to the instinct for violence that men have (and women too? I wouldn't know). The dynamic meditation involves a part designed to release repressed feelings. When I did that part today, I found a whole lot of violence wanting to come out. I wanted to punch and scream and yell. Not against anyone or for any reason.. just because I wanted to be violent. It was similar the first times I did the meditation, except that those times it was a mixture of violence and lust. Another time it was joy that came out, which was a surprise. I was beginning to think that violence and lust was all there was.

That's all I want to say for now.. I am going to meditate every day. The benefits are clear, and the time that it takes is nothing compared to the gain in power (conscious power over myself).

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