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Another song

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Mar. 30th, 2006 | 11:52 am
location: Singapore
mood: nostalgicnostalgic
music: Travis - Reoffender

I just found another song that makes me cry. It's called "Reoffender", by Travis. Apparently it was written about a phsyically abusive relationship, though you can interpret it in many ways.

Here's the first verse and chorus:

"Keeping up appearances
Keeping up with the Jones'
Fooling my selfish heart
Going through the motions

But I'm fooling myself
I'm fooling myself
Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorrys
But then you do it again, you do it again"

The chorus is very powerful.. The song has very simple chords, so I tried playing it just then. And I couldn't help crying as I sang the chorus. Maybe it's that difference between intentions and actions again. Or maybe whoever is saying "I love you" means something different by love.

As I sang it I felt the pain, though I can't put a particular person or action to it. Memories come up of when I was in primary school, memories of people who I thought were my friends but they really weren't. I remember how much I used to hate my parents for not understanding me (it's ok! I forgive you now!). And I remember myself not being able to support my friends when they needed me.. in that case, I was on the other side. I was the one giving the promises and breaking them.

Last night I was talking to Lesley, and I told her how I'm afraid of singing. I'm afraid because I think that people will think I really mean the words I'm singing. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't. And I'm worried that people will misinterpret and think something bad about me.

So me singing this song is my plan to face that fear. I never expected that it would lead to these feelings and to this journal entry. Life is so unpredictable.

Edit: A special note for my mum and dad. I forgive you for everything that I blamed you for as a child. I give up all rights to resent you, because I know that everything you did, you did it because you love me.

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Comments {3}

From Mum

from: anonymous
date: Mar. 30th, 2006 07:21 am (UTC)

Who's crying now as I read this?

Do you think having Giselle is making you understand my actions with you?

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Re: From Mum

from: btherl
date: Mar. 30th, 2006 08:21 am (UTC)

Having Gisele definitely does something. I think I do a lot more now, rather than just thinking.

Maybe it does help. There's no way to understand fully what Gisele wants. I just have to guess and try to learn ways to communicate. She's not old enough yet for me to be afraid of her, but I'm sure that time will come :)

I'm realizing now that I will pass on to her my way of acting. She will notice the way I act around other people and try to imitate that. Maybe it's time for some transformation! If I truly want her to have certain values, then I need to live those values myself. Then she will absorb them by watching.

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Re: From Mum

from: anonymous
date: Mar. 30th, 2006 09:16 am (UTC)

I was very aware that you and Alan copied what I did.

I was always determined to behave as best I could manage to my Mum and Dad and to Kath and Bernie too to set an example in how to treat parents!!!!!!

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