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Thesis! Landmark! Exclamation Marks!!!

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Mar. 20th, 2005 | 09:42 am
mood: excitedexcited
music: My own wailing

After an update drought brought on by global warming, I am back again! And a lot is going on!

I booked myself into a Landmark Forum for the end of February. What I wanted to get out of it was to find out why I was arguing so much with Lesley, and why I was procrastinating so much with my thesis. So, I went along to the course, and by the end of the first day I realized why we argued so much - I was totally convinced that I was right and she was wrong :) Of course, she was also convinced that she was right and I was wrong.

A simple problem with a simple solution - I chose on that day to put our marriage before my ego, so I rang her up the next day and apologized for arguing with her. Even when I agreed with what she said, I had been arguing with her because SHE had said it :P Since then our relationship has been much much better.. and the things we used to argue about have suddenly solved themselves in this new context. So, I am convinced once more that being right will lead to having unhappiness, and being loving will lead to having happiness :) Do I want a future of love and happiness or future of rightness and unhappiness? Hmmm.... tough choice :)

On the second day, the forum leader talked about PARENTS! This took me by surprise, but I found myself staring face-to-face with how I had been acting towards my mum and dad. Every time they were taking an interest in my life I had been trying to push them away, so I could deal with everything on my own. I even knew that this was making me unhappy, but I didn't realize I had a choice. In my mind, I was not talking to them because I was sure they wouldn't understand. And of course, if I never talked to them about anything in my life, that ensured that they would understand. It was a viscious circle that has run for most of my life.

So, when they came in on Sunday I talked to each of them individually, apologizing for how I had been acting and acknowledging the impact that had been having on me and on them. I also said "I love you" for the first time in a long time :) Now we have started hugging again, something that I have missed for a long time :)

Now, onto the third thing - my thesis! Following the forum, I found myself going around and sharing with a lot of people about myself and my experiences on the weekend. So much so that I hardly did anything on my thesis for the entire week! So I decided to make a declaration - I will spend no more than 1 hour total socializing with friends on any day. And it has worked remarkably well! It really shows the power of being able to make a declaration and stick to it. Without that declaration, I would have had a huge amount of trouble finishing off my thesis. As it is, I am making very good progress.

I am also in the process of transforming my view of the thesis from "hard work" and "difficult" to "fun and enjoyable" :) It still occurs to me as hard work most of the time, but I am constantly giving that up to make room for the possibility of it being exciting to work on! The main things I have to give up are that it is hard to understand, difficult to work on, and that playing games is more fun :) If I say that writing the thesis is a game, then I can see it as a game. If I say it is hard work, then it is hard work.

That is all for now.. after this enjoyable interlude, I will now return to the even more enjoyable thesis writing experience!

Oh, and I went to an open mike night in mount evelyn and sang and played guitar and it was really fun but that will be for another journal entry later.. this is just here to explain why the music I am listening to is myself :) I'm listening to a lot of Tool as well, especially Lateralus, as it talks about grudges, choices, communication, and other interesteing topic.

Brian

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