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Judging

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Nov. 22nd, 2006 | 08:36 pm
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
music: The Killers - Bones

This entry is based on a conversation I had while on the train on the way to the city.

I was on the train, and I became aware of how much I avoid eye contact. I expect everyone to be angry or annoyed at me. But when i get past that expectation, I can see people in so much more detail. Its a strange experience.

Normally i judge people immediately, and i never see the real person. I only see my judgement of them. But when i stop judging i can actually see them.

What usually happens is I look at them, and then when they look at me i have an automatic reaction to look away. This reaction is something I have had for so long that I don't even remember when I didn't have it. It comes from my fear of what they will think if they see I am looking at them. Maybe they'll be angry. Maybe they will judge me.

But sometimes i can keep looking. Then it is scary because i don't know what they are thinking. But beyond that fear is another experience altogether. When I continue looking, I see something which I rarely see. Instead of seeing some generic person, I see the person I am looking at in detail. I can see their face, their expression, the details of how they look and what they are doing. It's something I see so rarely. And the times that I do see it let me see how much I simply pre-judge people and never really look at them.

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From Mum

from: anonymous
date: Nov. 22nd, 2006 08:41 pm (UTC)
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I don't know when you started not to make eye contact, but I remember training you as best I could TO make eye contact because you weren't doing it. This was when you started school. So I assume something happened about kinder time (there's a lot of debate about what happens at about age 4 - the brain appears to "hard wire" some things and in your case you started to stutter then - you had been clear until then). I too stuttered then but cleared by about 6 yo (with hesitations remaining).

I remember when you were in year 7 or 8 you said that my training telling you to make eye contact sometimes caused you trouble because it gave people a false impression - they thought you were more interested in them (or "liked" them in the case of girls) than you diod because you looked into their eyes when you spoke and so you were withdrawing a bit.

Remember any of that?

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