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My favorite song

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Mar. 22nd, 2006 | 04:18 pm
mood: open
music: Tool

This song is magical.

When I listen to it, I usually do a yoga pose called "The Thunderbolt". Sounds very dramatic, though I find that it helps very much to open myself up. The movements involve putting the palms together in front, and raising them above your head while breathing in. I usually brush against my forehead as I do this. While breathing out, move your arms out and end with your fingers pointing up and palms facing forward. Breath in, and then breath out while bringing your arms back into the start position. Then repeat.

As I listen, I allow myself to be vulnerable. I let myself hear the words without the usual defenses that I use to protect myself from hurt. And listening to those words does hurt.

"Saw that gap again today
While you were begging me to stay
Managed to push myself away
And you as well, my dear"

I see a lot of things in those words.. I see the pain of rejection. And the pain of rejecting someone when you don't want to. The gap could be many things too.. it could be a gap in the need of the two people. Or it could be a gap in the understandings or world-views of the two people.

I also remember when I started my process of transformation. I remember standing and watching my friend walking away. She wanted me to do something, but there was nothing I could do. A few times she stopped and looked back at me, but there was nothing I could do. I've never felt so worthless in my life. I decided then that I no longer cared about my beliefs and my rules about how the world should be. I said that if I can't help her, then I need to change. And I began a long process on that day.

"Remember I will always love you,
As I claw your fucking throat away.
It will end no other way."

In this I see the gap between desires and feelings, and actions. It's just as possible to love someone and to kill them as it is to love them and to care about them. There's never a guarantee that what we want for someone will correspond to the actions we take. I can "want" as much as I want, but until I "do", there is no effect. In the world, there is only action.

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