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Money, and "Who am I?"

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Mar. 2nd, 2006 | 04:19 pm
mood: happyhappy
music: humming jade's guitar solo

Today I walked past a beggar with my $4.90 cup of coffee. I always feel embarrassed when I do that. I also felt embarrassed walking past the foreign workers on the way home, who live on what Australians call "below the poverty line". Over here, that's just what happens if you're born in the wrong country or you don't study hard.

Sometimes I feel that my money doesn't really belong to me. If I believed in God, I would say that he had entrusted it to me, by giving me the skills that allow me to earn money easily. But since I don't, I just say "The money is entrusted to me". And it's me who says that, not God. Same feeling, just a different reason. And I am entrusted to use it responsibly.

Other times I feel that the money is all mine (well, mine and Lesley's and Gisele's. My family is part of me). And when I feel like that, I am entrusted to spend it for my family and myself only, with a few scraps thrown to the poor. I can live like that most of the time. But I still can't make eye contact with a beggar. It hurts too much.

Sometimes I wonder who I really am. Is who I am Compassion, who feels for everyone? Am I Love, who accepts everyone as they are without judgement? The answer comes up immediately.. I am who I say that I am. Landmark have taught me well :) As I was walking back through the carpark to the lift to the flat, I thought:

I am happy.
I am contented.
I am loving.

That is who I say I am. And if who I am is who I say I am, then that is who I am :) It's nice to have answers, even if you have to make them up. But really, all answers have been made up by someone, sometime, somewhere. We have nothing to answer life's questions but made-up answers. So why not make up ones that make us happy? It seems so obvious. And other times it seems impossible.

That is all for now. I feel happy now. And contented. And loving :) And that's a good feeling.

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